My name is Patsy and I'm recovering from Agoraphobia and this is my story

9 Months Later

Isn’t it ironic how the biggest or smallest changes in our lives affect us? For instance, you think you are happy where you are, you’re comfortable and you know your surroundings. Then poof…….. you move to another state.

It has been 9 months since I wrote anything. So much has happened and changed (I did vow to make sure I write a lot more often though).

My husbands father became ill, therefore we ended up moving to the state where he lives. Which at first I didn’t care for the idea, but since my mother refuses to talk to me….. why did I need to stay in Arkansas. That was my thoughts. I can’t make her talk to me. I’ve sent texts and all i get is drama, drama, drama instead of her trying to talk it out with me. I have given up. When she is ready, she has my number. I made sure to send it to her. Moving here was good for me and the relationships I have with others. I am finding myself, my anxiety has eased TREMENDOUSLY, I have started going to church and I now know what a certain person meant when they said,”I try not to deal with this side of the family to much. There is so much negativity and the way things are handled just isn’t well or healthy at all”. Don’t get me wrong, I still have stress like anyone else, but I am so much more at ease. NEVER in a million years did I think that people around you were a major influence in the way another acted or presented themselves. I have lost contact with someone, in Arkansas that I care for deeply and that persons mother, but I can’t do anything about that either. Friend requests go unanswered and so do messages on one persons part. Maybe it’s not for me. They seemed happy for me and my progress and then….. poof, they were gone.

I know my line in the story and me writing was about my anxiety and it has shifted somewhat, but I’ll take one day and one step at a time and see where it goes from here.

Much love and many blessings.

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Mothers Day Nightmare

Friday May 9, 2014,

My son and his girlfriend came over. The girlfriend had shared with me that my son had been craving Burger King. I asked my son about that and he said that he had, so I gave him my credit card, keys to my van, so he wouldn’t waste his gas and sent him to Burger King to get us all something to eat.

Later on as my son and his girlfriend were using my washer and dryer doing their laundry, I began to hang curtains in my day room. I was having a very rough time getting the screw in to the wall, so my son had offered to try. I had informed him that since he has moved out I needed to try to do things on my own. After numerous times of him telling me to let him try, I got down off the step stool and let him have at it.

His girlfriend also informed me they would be coming to pick up my 2 grandchildren, that I am raising on Sunday morning and keeping them for a few hours for me on Mothers Day. I thought that was very nice.

 

 

Saturday May 10, 2014

My husband had called to tell me he wouldn’t be home this weekend. I was scrambling frantically to try and find someone to take me grocery shopping, as I do not drive. Also someone to get my grandson to his heart Dr.s appointment on Monday. All this time I hear my daughter constantly putting down everyone I try to ask for help. I am already agitated that all this has been thrown on me and then I hear this too?????? As the fire builds all day long, I am frustrated, she is having a cocky mouth, I get called a bitch and get told she wishes I wasn’t her mom, points her finger in my face telling me what I will and will not do. I stood up, got in her face and reminded her that I am her elder and she is to respect me as a adult. I was then told I needed to act like a adult. The day went on, grand kids not minding because they sense the tension, one thing after another happening. It was awful. I finally would drift to sleep only to wake up and cry uncontrolably  for hours upon end all night. I think I slept maybe 2 hours.

 

Sunday May 11, 2014……..

The tension in the house is very, very, very thick. She isn’t talking to me and I am not talking to her.  There was more confrontation. More hateful things said, I informed her she needed to pack her things and leave.

As for my son, no phone call or text to say that they were not coming to get the kids. Just a text that read Happy Mothers Day :)…… That’s it. I phoned him at around 3 pm to ask what happened and got told he had plans. I then shared that I didn’t appreciate being lied to (which since he has moved out is happening A LOT) and that I missed him and that I felt he only comes over  when his sister is gone on Fridays, when he uses my washer and dryer. He then shared with me that it’s because I ask him to do stuff, that is why he doesn’t come over. When asking what I have him do, he reminded me that I sent him to Burger King…..( Okay, he was craving it and I love Burger Kings #1 with onion rings and a Dr. Pepper) When I reminded him that I was told he was craving it, he then reminded me of the “curtain shit” as he calls it. I reminded him that I said no I would do it, but he kept insisting for me to let him help. I asked if he really felt that way after me doing everything I had done for him and for making his truck payment and bla bla bla and was told yes, he really felt that way. I politely informed him that since he felt that way, not to come back to my home. I thought it was awesome. I thought it was fun. I NEVER once asked for money for using my washer and dryer.

 

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY NIGHTMARE

 

 

 

5/10/2014

Dear Blog,

I can’t find my journal, so you will have to do for now.

I am totally praying for a better day tomorrow. If  it’s not any better, I don’t even want to get out of bed. I am at a total state of confusion and hurt today not to mention exhaustion. I haven’t had this experience since my daughter was 13 or 14.  Today I have been yelled at, cussed at, called a bitch, told to shut the fu** up and told to act like a adult by a 22 year old who has 4 children and has NONE in her custody. I have felt belittled. The anger that I have inside is sooooooooo strong that it infuriates me just typing this. I am not sure if it’s the anger or if it’s the pain of being disrespected for about 9 to 10 years.

How can someone you raise,  love,  protect and shelter treat you this way?????

GOD THE PAIN IS HORRIBLE. I feel I deserve better than what I am being given. This is so unfair. I am tired of this happening to me. All I ever wanted was a mother daughter relationship. THAT’S ALL.

Hello Again

Wow, I haven’t made a post since December of 2012.

I am at a loss on where to go from here. Things over the past year have been up and down. I have been off my chinese herbs for about 3 months now and I am slowly feeling the anxiety, fear and panic come back. I am not fearful of being home alone yet, but I am afraid that it is soon to follow. I wish these herbs were covered by insurance.  I will do all I can to be strong and not let it come back, but some days I feel that it is stronger than me.

My support network is still here somewhat. It is smaller than what it use to be, but that just shows me who I can count on and who I can’t. As I sit and type this, I wonder who actually reads it that has agoraphobia or panic disorder. How many people did my airing with 40/29 help, How many has my blogging given hope to. You are NOT ALONE !!!

PatsyWrightFord

One More Step

WOW !!!! It’s been a month since I have written. It’s been quite different. I’m really getting my independence back and learning that I don’t need someone to be able to do the things I want to do.

I went on a trip to California last month in November and came back sick. I’ve been sick every since. The trip was totally a new experience. I had been use to having my children with me everywhere I went, well this trip was TOTALLY DIFFERENT. My children were not with me. I think my son missed me A lot, but not as much as I missed him. I gained alot of independence on this trip. I did things I was afraid of and things I always had my children go with me to do.

Since the robbery and abuse, I look back and see how far I’ve come. It all just totally blows me away. I know I’ve had ups and downs. I know I can give credit to my friends for sooooooooooooo much love and support, but ultimately in the end, it was God who helped me get to where I am today. God bless and remember, you are NOT alone.

Feel free to ask questions and/or make comments.

Thanks for stopping by

PatsyWrightFord

Lost my way

I am not sure what’s going on right now, but I feel I got carried away with all the excitement of getting out and doing this and doing that, and forgot where my prioritys are. It’s been since Thanksgiving that I have slipped. I don’t know where it went wrong or why. My panic and anxiety attacks are back,  it’s hard to think,  hard to focus, I get very anxious and nervous. I was doing so well, then poof………. like the rain it was all gone. I do have another dr appointment in early December to re evaluate and see what happened. I remember being like this before and it scares the hell out of me to think I will or would ever be this way again. No words can describe the feeling I have about this…. well, they could, but I am not going there.

 

 

 

Update

It has been a while since I posted, but I am out enjoying life, having fun and praying everyday for those who are like me that are still home bound. Since my last post, I have been to church, got my drivers license, been to my very first restaurant in 9 1/2 years, went to a convenience store, been inside a public library, etc. I am sooo happy ya’ll. I don’t remember being this happy in years. I am not really sure what is going to happen, but there is another big change coming soon. Most every time I look at the clock it is 5:55. Angels sometimes communicate with us through numbers. 555’s meaning is that you need to fasten your seat belt that a major change is coming soon and it should not be viewed as positive or negative as change is part of life. I love life, I love everyone in my life. I did have a job, but that fell through, so I just chalk it up as God has another plan for me. I will just have to wait and let it happen in Gods time not mine.I love each and everyone of you, I ask for prayers and that you please remember you are NOT alone.

Please feel free to leave comments and/or ask questions.

Thanks for stopping by

PatsyWrightFord

Tina Bausinger

Writing about cooking, family, and all things literature. But mostly cooking.

forcing myself happy

One day at a time...for 6 months! :/